Wonderland
by GraceWinter
Summary: After years of self-starvation, Lia Overbrook is dead aged 19. 14-year-old Naomi, who lives across the street from the Overbrooks, had always admired Lia. After learning about Lia's illness, Naomi becomes fascinated by weight loss and wants to be as thin as Lia was. Slowly, Naomi slips into the poisonous world of an eating disorder - and sees it isn't the Wonderland she'd expected.
1. Prologue

Prologue

I wish I had known her better.

Lia Overbrook. Quiet, troubled and _thin,_ so thin.

She was five years older than me. When we were younger it hardly seemed to matter – we were the only kids on our street. At least, until Cassie Parrish came along.

All three of us were friends for a while, but when I was seven years old – they were twelve – we drifted apart as they slipped into destructive habits.

Six years later, Cassie died. Lia followed less than a year after her. I wasn't told how, or why, but I knew; everyone knew. An obsession with thinness, tightening like a vice until they could no longer cope. I just couldn't put a name to what killed them; the words 'anorexia' and 'bulimia' were seldom spoken in our small town.

Who would have known that the same obsession would overcome me?

My guilty secret is killing me, creeping further into my mind, but I don't want to stop. Lia was so perfect - if I follow her footsteps, maybe I can be as beautiful as she was. Losing weight, counting calories, self control; falling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

My name is Naomi Summers, and this is my Wonderland.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One

I felt hollow as I looked at Lia Overbrook's body. As her neighbours my family had been invited to the wake, and I had gone up to the coffin to pay my respects.

Lia looked strangely serene, more peaceful in death than she had been in life. Her bluish lips were set in a line, and her eyes were closed. It was then that I realised – I didn't know what colour they were. All these years of living across the street from Lia, so many opportunities to talk to her, and I didn't even know her eye colour. It seems stupid, I know, but that day it seemed vastly important. As I said before, I wish I had known her better.

Smooth and unlined, with cheekbones jutting sharply; her face looked as though it had been carved from ice. Blue veins criss-crossed her fragile arms, with faint scars visible across the wrists. Her parents had changed her out of her hospital gown and into her favourite dress, which hung loosely on her skeletal frame. She couldn't have weighed more than 75 pounds.

I knew what had killed her; the gossip spread around school like wildfire. Quite simply, she starved herself. Inevitably, the damage she inflicted on her body caused her heart to fail. There was nothing the doctors could do, I was told. By the time they got her to hospital, it was too late.

Dead at nineteen. What a pity, what a waste… but she was so _beautiful._ There was something fascinating for me about her skeletal appearance. That was the day that I wondered – could I be as thin, as breath-taking, and as ethereal as Lia?

Realising how weird I must have looked, staring at a dead body, I walked back through the crowd to my parents.

"Naomi."

Dr. Marrigan's eyes were puffy and red-rimmed from crying; she looked so different from the stern-faced woman I was used to. She held a large cardboard box.

"Hello. I'm so sorry…"

"It's… it's alright. I was just wondering – I thought you might like some of Lia's things. You aren't much younger than her, are you?"

Dr. Marrigan held out the cardboard box and I had no choice but to take it. I didn't mention that I was actually five years younger than her daughter. Attempting to disguise my confusion, I made an excuse to leave. I barely knew Dr. Marrigan; what would I do if she started crying?

"Um… I have to go back to my parents. They're leaving soon. It was nice to talk to you, Dr. Marrigan."

As soon as we got home, my parents were arguing again. They were always screaming at each other over some tiny little annoyance. Being an only child was most difficult at these times; I had no older sibling to protect me, no younger sibling to be strong for. On this occasion, I shut myself into my bedroom and began to go through the box of Lia's possessions.

The items seemed fairly normal at first. Revision books, hair accessories, novels, and clothes (far too small for me, of course). Towards the bottom of the box I found a pile of notebooks, bound together with an elastic band. Taking off the band, I inspected the books.

 _This diary belongs to Lia Overbrook, aged 12!_

 _Lia Overbrook's Diary (aged 14!)_

 _My Diary – Lia Overbrook_

The final notebook was dated 2 years ago, when Lia was seventeen. I flicked through the pages and guessed by the amount of writing, she had still been using it up until her death. _That's crazy_ , I thought. Unsure what to do, I contemplated putting them back into the box or returning them to Dr. Marrigan. It seemed like an invasion of Lia's privacy, even though she was gone. Yet I felt a nagging desire to find out Lia's secret, to discover how she got so thin.

I opened the first diary and began to read.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Today me and Cassie started our diet. We agreed that we'll be the thinnest girls in school! I gotta do well with this, so today I ate an apple for breakfast (80), 5 crackers (125) with peanut butter (120) for lunch, then a grilled cheese sandwich and potato chips for dinner. I'm 5 feet tall and 99 pounds. I want to be 90! 90 sounds so perfect. I'm not sure what Cassie's goal is or how much she's eaten, I'd better ask her tomorrow. She's my best friend of course, but I_ _will_ _get thinner than her._

The first diary entry was littered with grammatical errors, but it got me hooked. All the girls at school were desperate to know how Lia lost so much weight, and now _I_ could find out. Riveted, I read for hours through the night. Lia's life flashed in front of me as I turned those pages: losing weight, going to hospital, gaining weight, family troubles, and of course the way she did it all. When I set down the last diary as dawn was breaking, I felt ecstatic.

I knew that the day would bring more torment from the other girls at school. Their cruel comments – " _stupid", "ugly cow", "loner"_ – would no longer matter to me. Because I knew something they didn't.

I knew Lia Overbrook's secret.

"As you know from the letters you received last week, today is your yearly weight checkup."

The whole of the eighth grade had been called into the gymnasium to be weighed and measured. I'd completely forgotten, and I was now dreading the number on the scales. Weird – I'd never really thought about my weight before. I was maybe a little larger than the other girls, but that was because I'd hit puberty sooner. I was taller than most girls my age, and had a more "womanly" frame as my Mom said, but I wasn't _overweight._ Anyway, I was happy, right?

"Naomi Summers."

I began the walk of shame towards the nurse's table. Feeling everyone's eyes upon me, I stood up straight to be measured. 5'7". Then, my heart sinking with dread, I stepped onto the scales.

"145 pounds."

 _What the hell?_ I almost slapped the nurse; it took all my willpower to just walk away as she called the next name. How dare she say it so loud! The popular clique giggled and whispered as I walked by. I made a futile effort to block out their voices, but a petite redhead snickered one word that I couldn't ignore.

" _Fatso._ "

After struggling through the day, close to tears, I ran home from school. As I flopped down on my bed, I was embarrassed at how out-of-breath I was. A 5-minute jog had made me exhausted! Staring at the curve of my belly, as round as a beach ball, I came to a conclusion.

I had to lose weight, and I was going to do it Lia's way.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 _I am in a wide open space, surrounded by my classmates. They form a circle around me and slowly stretch their hands out to point at me._

" _Fatso." "Whale." "Pig."_

 _Their taunts echo and bounce off the walls of the gymnasium. As they approach me, their many faces twist and bubble into grotesque demons._

" _Fatso!" "Whale!" "Pig!"_

 _I try to scream but I cannot make a sound. There is no escape… then I see a fragile figure coming towards me, slender as a willow branch._

 _Lia._

" _Come with me." She takes my hand with her bony fingers, the gymnasium and the demons melt away. We stand in a wintry landscape, the ground shrouded in snow._

" _Come with me." She says again, the words flowing from her blue lips. "Become a Wintergirl. Come into the snow with us."_

" _Come into the snow with us." Many voices swirl around me, the voices of waiflike girls lying in the snow. I am falling, being dragged into the snow by innumerable hands._

I woke up just as I hit the ground.

 _Thank God,_ I thought. _Just a dream._ But as I dragged myself up off the floor and got dressed, the dream stuck in my head. _Become a Wintergirl._ Was the dream a message? Could I truly be like Lia?

That day was Saturday – ballet class. I'd started ballet when I was 12 and absolutely loved it. I knew there was no chance of becoming a professional, but I enjoyed it even so. The teacher praised me at every class, and she'd privately said to me that I danced beautifully. Of course, I knew I was larger than the average dancer, but I'd never really cared. Until now.

 _Ew._ The thought came from nowhere as I glanced at the mirror, scrutinising my rotund form. _No wonder they called you fat._ In my skin-tight leotard and tights, my 'problem areas' seemed to bulge and wobble more than ever. As the memories of the previous day came flooding back, a fresh wave of dread crashed over me as realisation hit – I'd have to face Niska at ballet class.

Niska, the tiny redhead who'd called me 'fatso'. Niska, my main competition in ballet class. Niska, probably the prettiest girl in eighth grade. Niska, my new body goal.

"Naomi! Come down and have breakfast – we're leaving in 5 minutes!"

I tore my eyes away from the mirror and go down to the kitchen. Swallowing her mouthful of toast, my mother pushed two slices towards me. Two slices of thick white-bread toast, slathered with fatty yellow butter. The food disgusted me in a way I'd never felt before. _That must be at least 350 calories, probably more. You don't need that._ Once again, the thoughts came out of nowhere. Spurred on by the voice in my head, I grabbed an apple and turned towards the door.

"I'm not hungry – I don't have much of an appetite this early in the morning. I'll eat this in the car." The lie creeps out of my mouth before I can stop it. Of course I was hungry, of course I had an appetite! _There's no need to tell her what you're doing,_ said the sneaky little voice. _She'll just over-react._

"Are you feeling ok honey?" Said my mother in a worried tone. "Maybe you should go to the doctor."

"Mom, I'm fine. I'll grab a snack at ballet class, ok?"

"Mmm. Ok." She still looked uncertain, but didn't argue. The short car journey to the dance studio was the same as usual – I daydreamed while Mom complained about work and bad drivers and a trillion other things. I took after my dad in both looks and personality, but he'd left for a work trip shortly after Lia's wake. He was away with work more often than he was at home.

"We're here." My mom parked the car outside the dance studio and kissed me on the cheek. "Have fun, and take it easy if you don't feel well."

After a quick goodbye I hopped out of the car and began the 'walk of doom'. For probably the first time ever, I was dreading ballet class. I looked like a whale in my sky-blue leotard and white dance tights, and I just _knew_ Niska would have told everyone about yesterday. _Well, time to burn those calories._

With a deep breath, I stepped into the building.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Pulling my jacket around me, I was painfully aware of my wobbly body. As I walked into the studio I saw Niska giggling nastily in a corner with a couple of other girls. _Of course she told them. What did you expect?_ This time, the voice sounded eerily like Lia. I'd never believed in ghosts but there I was, hearing Lia's voice inside my head. A voice that I'd hardly heard for over ten years. Well, at least Lia would teach me how to be thin, I thought.

"Naomi, are you alright? It's time to start class now." Miss Katherine, my dance teacher, broke me out of my daydreams. Hanging my bag on a coathook, I pulled on my ballet slippers and walked up to the bar. Other than Niska's gang the other girls were kind enough not to comment on my weight, but I was sure they were staring at me while my back was turned. _Well, who wouldn't?_

As we started the class my stomach grumbled, but luckily the classical music drowned it out. I tried to focus on the music, the ballet exercises, just _anything_ other than food. It worked for a while but on our last exercise, with five minutes left until the end of class, my stomach grumbled again – this time embarrassingly loudly. A chorus of muffled giggles burst out around me, the loudest coming from Niska's corner of the room.

"Concentrate please, girls." Miss Katherine called.

Red-faced and trembling with shame, I hurriedly completed the last set of _assemblés soutenus_ then rushed to grab my bag. As the other girls heading out of the door, Miss Katherine held Niska and I back.

"We haven't told any of your classmates yet, but I and the other members of staff are planning the annual show – and you two girls are our main considerations for the lead role. Unfortunately only one of you will achieve the role, but the other will definitely get a good part. Keep up the good work!" Miss Katherine delivered the news with a beaming smile, but her voice wavered when she reminded us that only one could achieve the lead role. She knew the unspoken rivalry between Niska and me, even before the weight incident.

Coming close to me, Niska whispers in my ear so nobody else can hear: "Mark my words, _I'm_ going to get that part. They don't give the main roles to fat girls." With that, she stalked off to join her friends. I get into my mom's car and sit zoned-out for the whole journey home.

"Mom, what's for lunch?" I'd been meaning to avoid the subject of lunch so that I could skip it, but I was ravenous after 2 hours of ballet. As soon as I said it, I silently cursed myself.

"Whatever you want. I've got work to do so you'll have to make it yourself."

 _Something low-calorie. Sandwiches aren't diet food, sweetcheeks._ Having these thoughts in my head is weird, I thought, but Lia's voice is really quite motivating and friendly. (Looking back, I almost laugh at how naïve I was.) having only basic knowledge of what was 'healthy' and low calorie, I thought hard and decided – salad. That's what most people eat on diets, right? _Lettuce, tomato, cucumber, throw some ham in for protein – not too much, we don't need unnecessary calories – perfect. Well done._ Encouraged by the praise from Lia, I chopped up the vegetables and took my meal into the dining room. Sitting down with my mother, she looked up from her work and seemed surprised by my meal choice.

"Rabbit food? That's not like you. My daughter on a health kick – who would have believed it!" Was my mom really that shocked that I was eating healthily?

"I'm just trying to eat a little bit healthier, that's all. Anyway, I like salad!" trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible, I speared a chunk of lettuce and put it in my mouth. The bland, watery leaves weren't exactly delicious but I was so hungry, the plate was clear within 5 minutes. Still feeling hungry, I put my plate in the dishwasher and appealed to the voice in my head: Lia, I'm hungry.

 _Water. No calories, fills you up, flushes out your system, stops hunger pains – if you want to be thinner, water is the way forward._

Obediently I filled a glass with cold water and took it up to my bedroom. I spent the afternoon doing homework and sipping water. Despite feeling slightly guilty, I ate the omelette my mom made for dinner and had a normal relaxing evening. Just as I was falling asleep, Lia whispered to me: _Well done, you've made a good start – keep going, little one._

 **Author's note: I'd really appreciate some reviews and writing tips**


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Sunday passed in a blur of hunger and laziness. I deliberately woke up late so I didn't have time to eat breakfast. Luckily, Mom was too busy getting ready for Church to notice.

After Church, I spent the day reading and studying in my room, whilst reflecting on the non-existence of my social life. I had salad again for lunch, (an even smaller portion than yesterday) and another healthy home-cooked meal for dinner. Before I knew it, it was 10pm and I was climbing into bed. The weekend had gone by so quickly – another 5 days of school were looming ahead of me.

I detested school. In elementary school things had been fine – I easily got good grades, I had friends, and everything was laid back. When I went up into middle school, it was a major shock to me. The noise, the large amount of students, the quick forming of cliques – it was all too much.

Skip forward to eighth grade: I only had a couple of friends and people were just beginning to bully me. In seventh grade they had mostly ignored me, which I'd thought was bad enough. But then they began to taunt me about anything and everything I did – everything was an excuse for more cruel comments and stupid nicknames.

Both this new difficulty and the increased pressure of exams made me lose concentration at school, meaning I had to study hard to stay in the top-grade classes. Cracking under pressure and struggling to cope with the environment of middle school, surely anyone would develop a mental illness.

I burrowed down into my bed, wrapping my quilt around me as I tried to push the thoughts of school out of my head. Deciding to concentrate on something else, I heard Lia's voice.

 _You're forgetting two fundamental parts of weight loss, Naomi. Exercise, and weigh-ins. Have we got any scales?_ "Yes," I replied. "They're in the bathroom." _Good. Now, pick a sport – you need to burn calories._

That was where I struggled. Gym class was the only time I did sports, and that seemed too much already. It was basically an hour of having balls 'accidentally' thrown at my head, or being tripped up. Or even worse, the girls changing rooms. I always changed in the toilets, so the other girls couldn't taunt me about my bulging stomach and huge thighs any more than usual.

Swimming, I thought. That doesn't require socialising, and it must burn calories. _Great – you start swimming tomorrow. Twice a week if your mom lets you. We can increase it as you get used to the exercise. Oh, and don't forget – weigh yourself tomorrow morning._

I awoke the next morning with a growing dread in the pit of my stomach. Doubts began creeping into my mind, and making my head ache.

School. Niska. Exercise. Weigh in. LOSE WEIGHT. Fatfatfat. Need to be skinny.

The mention of weight seemed to wake Lia's voice too. _Yes, you need to weigh yourself. Do it now, before your mom wakes up. Hurry!_ "But Lia," I replied, "I'm scared – what if I'm still 145?" _Maybe if you weren't such a fatty, you wouldn't have to be scared of the scales. I bet Niska isn't. Go on, this is what you have to do if you want to be thin like me. Do it now, or else you'll spend the rest of your life fat. DO IT!  
_  
This was the first time Lia's voice had ever seemed anything but sweet and helpful. Before, she'd always been a mentor, guiding me to make the right choices so I could reach my goal. Now, she sounded more like the angry and demanding soccer coach I once had when I was little. It freaked me out enough to obey her.

I tiptoed to the family bathroom, shut and locked the door, and pulled out the scales from under the sink. With a deep breath, I stepped onto the scales and looked down at the dreaded numbers.

144.0

I'd lost exactly 1lb! That small victory made me warm inside, and a grin spread across my face. 144! I was losing weight, and nothing was going to stop me! _Well done Naomi, you've been very good. Let's make this weight loss a regular thing, okay? One lb is a good place to start, but if you want to be a Wintergirl, you'll need to lose much, much more.  
_  
The praise from Lia made me feel even better than the number on the scales. The angry coach thing must have been a one-off, she was back to being as sweet as ever. I carefully put the scales away, and tip-toed back into my room, where I lied in bed for 10 minutes until my mom came to wake me up.

 _Don't get too excited. Remember, you aren't skinny yet._ "But Lia, I've lost weight!" _Yes, but not enough. Not yet._ "What should be my goal weight? What's skinny enough?" _That's for you to decide, Naomi, not me._ "Umm, maybe 140?" _Seriously? 5lbs is nothing. 140 is not skinny._ "Okay, I'll try for 135." _Hmm, maybe… but you're not really pushing yourself. Perhaps you're not cut out to be a Wintergirl..._ "I am! I'll get to 130, I promise!" _Good girl. 130 is a good start, definitely. You just have to put in some effort, sweetie. Now, why don't you ask Mom about swimming?  
_  
I hurriedly got dressed and run down the stairs, catching Mom just as she was leaving for work. (My mother was an elementary school teacher.) Too busy to listen properly, she agreed to my request for swimming and rushed out of the door.

"I made breakfast for you!" she called from the car. "Granola and yogurt!" I thanked her and went into the kitchen.

 _No granola for you_ , Lia told me as soon as I saw the bowl. Take an apple instead. Taking an apple from the fruit bowl, I sighed and tipped the delicious-looking granola into the trash. "Boy, this is hard," I said, taking a bite from the apple.

 _But you're strong enough, sweetheart. I know you are. I'll get you down to 130 in no time._


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Instead of catching the bus, I walked to school. It took 40 minutes and I was almost late for class, but it was worth it for Lia's praise: _good choice, sweetie._ When I finally arrived at school I slumped into my seat in the corner of the Social Studies classroom, my body aching. I was so hungry… surely it wouldn't do any harm to buy candy from the cafeteria? _NO!_ Uh-oh. Angry-coach Lia was back. _If you want to be thin, candy is NOT an option! Don't be stupid!_ In a bid to distract myself, I opened my book and began to revise from my notes. I hid myself behind the book as Niska and her friends walked in, praying that they wouldn't notice me. No such luck.

"Hey, fatty." Said Niska as she walked past, just loud enough so that I could hear but the teacher couldn't. "Didn't you know that pigs aren't allowed in the classroom?" Niska and her bitchy gang snickered nastily. I'm sure they would have continued to taunt me if Mrs Ellis hadn't called for silence.

"It's lovely that you're having fun, girls, but it's time to start class." Mrs Ellis's trusting nature and gentle personality made her one of my favourite teachers, but she was easy for Niska to manipulate. As we wrote the date and title in our books, Niska shot me a deadly look – _I'll get you later._

 _Don't listen to her._ Lia had gone back to being friendly, which I was very glad about. _If you work hard and listen to me, you'll be thin enough to call HER a pig._ I managed to settle the worry in my stomach and work hard for the rest of the lesson. After Social Studies was Science with Miss Lewisham, my least favourite teacher. For some reason she favoured Niska; apparently she was 'loud, but a real character'. Well, she didn't know what Niska was really like.

"Settle down! Get your books out. Today we will be studying 'health and diet'." Niska smirked at me, and my heart started to pound. This would be so humiliating. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to run out of that classroom, but I didn't have the courage. Shutting my ears to Niska's whispers, I concentrated on Miss Lewisham. For each point she made, Lia had an opposite view.

"Carbohydrates should make up 1/3 of each meal." _Wrong. Carbs are bad. They'll swell up inside you and make you fat._

"It is essential to eat dairy – cheese, milk, butter and cream." _Wrong. Eww, those foods are full of fat and calories. You don't need those, Naomi._

"One or two portions of fatty or sugary foods a day is acceptable." _WRONG! Eating fat equals getting fat! Don't listen to a word she says; it's all lies, honey._

Then came the remark that I was dreading.

"Eating less than the required diet can cause significant weight loss and other symptoms. However, eating more than a healthy amount leads to obesity."

Obesity. Obesity. OBESITY… the word echoed in my brain. 'Am I obese?' I thought. The nurse had said I was a healthy weight… _But what does she know? You're not thin, you're fat fat FAT. LOOK AT YOURSELF! HUGE!_ 'The nurse said I was healthy, though!' _She shouted out your weight for everyone to hear. She clearly doesn't know what she's doing – how can you believe anything she says? If you want to be thin, I'm the only person you need to listen to._ 'Well, I guess you're an expert."

"Naomi, are you paying attention? What did I just say?" Miss Lewisham interrupted my mental conversation before Lia could reply; I hadn't been listening for the last 5 minutes, and she knew it. She just wanted to embarrass me.

"I… I don't know." Blushing tomato-red, I stuttered my reply and looked down at my notes, blinking back tears. I didn't know why I was crying at such a stupid thing; I didn't know that not eating can put your emotions on edge. "I'm sorry, Miss Lewisham."

"Yes, you should be. Anyway, we've just been talking about how to avoid obesity – a topic especially important for you."

There was a collective gasp from the class, which I barely heard over the blood rushing in my head. I stood up and before walking out of the classroom, I said a few words which I'm not proud of. A couple of my classmates looked at me sympathetically but most of them just laughed, laughed like the demons in that awful nightmare. As I left the room I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew one thing: I couldn't stay at that school for a moment longer.

Many thoughts rushed through my head as I walked through the school entrance, which wasn't locked; it never was. Ignoring the calls of the bemused receptionist, I passed the office and slipped out of the gates. Like the entrance, the gates weren't locked (that school had great security, NOT). At the pace that I was walking it didn't take me long to get tired, yet my senses were on hyper-alert. I noticed every sound, every abnormality, every smell as I walked down the street – a mother yelling at her kids, each piece of litter on the sidewalk, the enticing smell of food as I stopped outside McDonalds. What does it matter what I eat today? I thought. I've just gone and ruined my education, and my parents are going to be _livid._

As soon as I walked through the doors of the restaurant, everything seemed to disappear – well, everything except myself and the food. In a daze I walked up to the counter, took my purse out of my bag and ordered a massive amount of food – a Big Mac, 12 chicken nuggets, large fries, a large chocolate milkshake and two donuts. Food had always been my comfort, my coping mechanism, but I was taking things to a totally new level. This wasn't a treat, it was a binge.

Before I knew it I was sat at a booth in the corner of the restaurant, gorging myself on the junk food as fast as I could. The chicken nuggets first, cramming them whole into my mouth and barely chewing them. A few sips of the sickly-sweet milkshake, and then I started on the Big Mac. I took huge bites, gnawing like an animal – thank God that nobody could see me. More milkshake – I took off the lid this time, gulping straight from the tall cardboard cup until it was empty. The huge cavern of my stomach was full now, too full, but I just wanted MORE. Anything to push away the sea of emotions threatening to drown me. Pulling the fries towards me from across the table I stuffed them into my greasy mouth, several at a time. I was thirsty now, so thirsty – I'd consumed far too much salt. Abandoning my school bag, I rushed to the counters – there wasn't a queue because most people were at work – and ordered a large Coke. I can't even imagine what I must have looked like. With a wary look in her eyes, the restaurant worker handed me the Coke. I paid and rushed back to my booth; I guess I was lucky that my stuff was still there. After swigging half of the Coke in less than a minute, I ripped off a chunk of the first donut. After that I couldn't help myself. Despite my aching stomach I devoured the two donuts and washed them down with the remaining Coke. Barely able to move, I leaned back and looked down at my painfully full stomach. I'd never eaten that much in one sitting before. Believe it or not, but I'd crammed that food into myself in just 20 minutes.

Standing up was a huge struggle. I surveyed the table with bulging eyes; I had reduced all of that food into crumbs and wrappers in a crazily short time. I was incredibly relieved that it was only a five-minute walk to my house; I don't think my distended stomach would have allowed me to walk any longer. Well at least I'd be home alone, so I could rest for a few hours…

It turns out I was wrong. When I got home, I fumbled in my pocket for my keys and unlocked the door. Exhausted, I had planned to go upstairs and lie in bed for a while. However, nothing seemed to be going to plan that day. As I stepped through the door I saw my mom pacing up and down the hallway, her face unreadable. When she saw me she didn't look shocked.

"Naomi, I got a call from the school. Whathave you done?"

She didn't shout; no, when my mother was this angry she never shouted. She was deathly calm, which was much more dangerous than yelling. I'd never been very good at reading people's expressions, but I knew that she was seething with rage.

"Mom, please – you don't know what they said to me –"

"I know enough. That school won't take you back. I'll discuss this with your dad when he comes home tomorrow. Just – just go to your room. I don't even want to look at you right now."

"But –"

"GO!"

I knew not to argue. Wordlessly I staggered to my bedroom, feeling utterly broken inside. How was I going to cope with all of this? I was desperate for someone, anyone, to turn to…

 _You can always turn to me._

After the incident at school I had pretty much forgotten about Lia; as you've probably guessed, I also forgot that I was trying to be like her. _You FORGOT? Don't you realise how IMPORTANT this is?_ Lia was more than an angry coach this time; she was yelling in rage. _Your parents don't care about you – they won't even listen to your side of the story. You're not smart, or pretty, or funny. Your only chance of changing all this is by getting thin; at least then they'll give you some attention. It'll be your first worthwhile achievement, you utter FAILURE._ After this outburst, Lia seemed to calm down very quickly and went back into gentle-friend-slash-mentor mode. _Look, this won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. Live by my rules for one month, and if you don't like it I'll let you go. I promise._

That promise was a lie.


	8. Chapter 7

" _I don't wanna do this anymore, it's so surreal_

 _I can't survive if this is all that's real…"_

-Lana del Rey, 'High by the Beach'

 **A/N: sorry if Naomi's thoughts don't make much sense in this chapter. I have based her feelings on my own experiences with depression. Also, sorry that it's short and I haven't updated for a long time. I will try to update this more often now.**

Chapter Seven

"Robert, what the hell are you doing?"

After a stressful day (well, half-day) at school followed by a huge binge, all I wanted to do was sleep, but I was kept awake by the sound of my mother yelling into the telephone. My dad still wasn't home, and she wasn't happy about it.

"You're with _her_ again, aren't you?"

Rolling into a ball and pulling the quilt over my ears, I tried to escape the sounds of the same old argument. For years I had heard them having this conversation, over the phone or face to face, about several different women. Work colleagues, a waitress, even a teacher from my elementary school. I didn't know who they were referring to now.

"Bullshit! You can't hide this from me anymore. Who do you care about more – your family, or another goddamn floozie who's dumb enough to believe your lies? Naomi's your daughter too, in case you'd forgotten."

The yelling stopped and I realised that my dad had probably hung up. I was shocked; my mom rarely cursed, even when she was angry. Hearing footsteps on the stairs I hastily unfurled from my cowering position, ready to face my mom if she came into my bedroom; I was surprised to hear her passing by my bedroom and slamming the door to her own. Weak with relief, I curled into a foetal position and began to sob as quietly as I could. Surely they wouldn't stay together much longer – this was his sixth affair. Then I'd have to choose who to live with. If only I could live on my own… neither of them cared much about me anyway. I was just a bargaining chip when they wanted to hurt each other. "You're making Naomi upset", "Don't you care about Naomi?", "I just want what's best for Naomi."

Perhaps it was the stress, or the overwhelming amount of food I'd just ingested, but my thoughts were racing in a way I'd never experienced. Lia tried to force her way past the rushing stream of disconnected words flooding my consciousness, but in my head I yelled at her to _leave me alone!_ As I fought to slow my breathing, rocking back and forth to settle myself, the rapid tide of my thoughts slowly receded. In their wake they left nothing but a hollow feeling of deep sadness. I gasped at the intensity of this black hole of sorrow and the disturbing thoughts that followed it.

 _What's the point? Has there ever even been a point to this madness that we call life? We're all just helpless creatures, screaming into the dark, clinging to anything that might mean something. But nothing means anything. We jump through hoops, smile and wave and nod, go to school and work and church, in the hope that all of this might actually matter. We lie to ourselves, desperately trying to believe that this isn't all there is. We obsess over the ideas of God and heaven and hell and something, ANYTHING, other than the randomness and ambiguity of life. We live, we die, and then there's nothing else – but how the hell are we supposed to survive knowing that that's all there is?_

Shaking, my hand clamped over my mouth to muffle my uncontrollable sobbing, I tumbled into the abyss of a deep depressive episode. (Of course, at the time I didn't know the proper words for it – I just thought I'd gone crazy, and it terrified me.) I was no longer crying for myself, crying because of the nasty teacher and the mean girls at school who'd treated poor little Naomi so unfairly – I was crying for the whole of humanity. Crying because the whole world had gone to shit and it was nobody's fault but our own. Crying because I was just beginning to understand the futility of it all. Crying because –

The sound of my mother's footsteps seemed to cut through the air like bullets, jolting me upright. Startled, I wiped my eyes and gained control over my emotions as she peered through a crack in the door. I glared back at her defiantly and tried not to look too shocked by the two suitcases she was dragging behind her, no doubt filled with my dad's belongings. So, she was finally kicking him out for good.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

 _Thanks for all your support, Mom._ Her footsteps receded and I soon heard the car revving and driving away. I was alone.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had begun banging my wrist on the frame of my bed. The feeling of a bruise gradually forming on my arm was painful, but for a while it seemed to fill the horrible emptiness that I felt. Eventually I fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of nothing. Only blackness.


End file.
